December to Remember

This is the month of many parties and my weekends are loaded with activities. To quote my auntie Candi, there needs to be more weekends in December to fit everything in. With all the shiny objects on display it’s easy to get distracted. But I found a place that easily tops all other Christmas parties I’ve attended.

I accompanied a friend to his company’s annual Christmas party. It was held at the owner’s home, which sits on 2.5 acres. I’d heard the stories and seen the pictires so I knew I was in for a treat and I wasn’t disappointed. We pulled up to and enormous two story with a large circular driveway lit by red and white lites. A custom-made sign was lit and crane lifte over the house. Valet was on hand to take cars and a parking attendant directed those who wanted to park their own vehicles. Light towers had been brought in to make the parking lot easier to walk through. My companion walked escorted me into this house with its dark hardwood floors, stone fireplace dominating nearly an entire wall and twelve foot flocked Christmas tree decorated in an abstract snowman theme and topped with a custom lime green top hat like it was the Mad Hatter’s holiday attire.

This lovely tree was placed oh-so casually in a room devoid of furniture, done to give guests ease of mobility… through the enormous sliding glass doors that ran the entire length of the living room and opened onto the largest fenced in backyard I’ve ever seen in person. On the right were white linen-covered banquet tables, laden with pules of glazed Krispy Kreme donuts, tiers of dark chocolate pastries with powdered sugar, giving the chocolate a snowy effect. All of this was next to a shiny espresso machine. That looked so good but my eyes popped when I saw the rock slide that loomed over ONE (yeah, ONE) of the pools, a grotto underneath it with twinkling lights like a starry night. There was cushioned seating tucked into rock formations and looked so inviting (especially since I was rocking 4 inch heels) next to the large table filled with unpolished glass shards and had actual flames dancing over them. It was like seeing all the ideas from HGTV in one backyard! How could this possibly get any better? Let me continue.

Being escorted over the cool decking and onto the dance floor that was erected over the pool, I was able to get close to the bar that was stocked with top shelf hooch and professional bartenders. I was told the liquor distributor was sent out three times to get more liquor. One part open bar plus two parts festive atmosphere equals seriously lowered inhibitions and crazy dancing. Caught on camera and posted on YouTube. But I digress.

Through the banquet room that is attached to the house, on the other side of the property, is where the food was set up. A southern grill master was flown in to serve every type of beef and pork product you can name. Three different Costco meat counters were used in the making of this party.

After being shown all of this we walked to an enormous white tent, the kind typically used for weddings. This was the gaming area where craps, roulette and blackjack tables were located for free gambling. I didn’t do so hot but I watched everyone else and had a good time with it. And as my date pointed out, better I should learn there and not Vegas where it actually costs cash. Between the lights professionally strung everywhere, the thumping bass of the band that was also flown in from a southern state for the sake of authenticity because the hosting company is doing work in said southern state and being introduced to most of the east valley, my head was spinning and my eyes needed a rest. My friend and I wandered to the other pool, this only with little adornment. Except for the medium sized player of fire that was somehow anchored in the middle. It looked amazing and I sat there a few minutes and just enjoyed it when more folds came near, more introductions made and that’s when I saw I was standing next to a five foot in diameter sphere made of copper and lit from within. That’s when the newly cultivated acquaintances asked if we’d had our picture taken? We were directed back to the grotto where in a room carved out of rock, was tucked a professional photographer! I felt like I was at prom and should be wearing a corsage. My friend and I tried several of the doors after picture time and found the showers. Oh the showers. Travertine tiles on the floors and covering the walls. It looked amazing with the oil rubbed bronze faucets.

From there it was off to the garage where the company owner housed his pool table, stage with house band, early 1950s navy blue Caddie convertible and the sand buggy, a few of them, that the company races. For their own racing team. Is there anything this place doesn’t have? I felt like Alice in Wonderland… and the Mad Hatter hung his hat on a Christmas tree!

Today’s lie: Mediocre holiday party, seen one, seen them all.

Playing for Another Team

It’s that time of year again. No, not Christmas or Chanukah, I’m speaking of yearend reviews. This year will be different for me. I’m with a company that weathered layoffs and is currently expanding slowly across the country. If this company was a sports team, these would be labeled ‘the building years’ and I would be their latest team acquisition, heavily debated on ESPN. Liking these sports metaphors? Anyway, my first review is today. My boss told me this past Monday that though this is only my second week, we still need to meet, if for no other reason to make sure both parties are still comfortable with the arrangement.

When I played for my previous team, review time was nothing more than a formality, a chance to touch base with coaching and front office staff and hear the new higher salary numbers. However with a newly appointed commissioner hell-bent on proving their mettle, last year’s review was drubbing. Most of my teammates received similar reviews and it quickly became apparent the new commissioner seemed to be biased towards the owners and against the players.  Eventually the owners realized the damage this commissioner was doing and found a replacement with one who tried very hard to balance players’ needs with owners’ desires. It’s like a wicked game of Jenga with folk’s careers.

After a scathing review spearheaded by the former commissioner, I enjoyed a more fair review of my strengths and weaknesses under the new commissioner. Then in a shake-up not even Fox Sports could anticipate on game day, I was moved to special teams. Like this morning when the NBA commissioner interfered with team trades; it was a massive, unheard of and sent shockwaves throughout the entire league and looked upon by players and critics as a power play. I was stunned by this eleventh hour decision. But I tried to handle the information like a Manning, stoic and professional.

The new special teams coach was great, really knew his stuff and cared about his team. Like the late, great Bo Schembechler, he inspired, guided and even cajoled when necessary. However even this coach seemed to grow wear with too many demands by the commissioner. The coach eventually moved onto an even better program elsewhere with a much bigger area. We bid him a find farewell. And a week later I was released from my team. To quote The Sandlot, “I blame myself”. Perhaps I had residual anger from the previous regime and it was affecting my game. Like Twitting trash talk from the sidelines or having an inflated sense of self (like every pro athlete is guilty of at least once). 

I was then a free agent and have since found my new team and couldn’t be happier. I wasn’t welcomed as a savior like Stafford, or mocked like Tebow but greeted as Warner was in Cardinal Stadium; a seasoned pro joining an already great franchise with talent already in place.

So this year’s review will be refreshing, No bitter commissioner looking to make a name, no coach with secret desires to be the next commissioner. And I can enjoy my new position here, with the knowledge I’m neither a has-been (Barber), a washout (Plummer) or a never-was (Leinart).

Today’s lie: I’m a future Hall of Famer!

Parent Trap

When I was 18 my first job was stocking shelves at a store that was a mix between Kroger and Kohl’s. One night a dad came into the household section to buy himself bed sheets and he brought his adorable five year old son with him. The father selected black satin sheets     and the son deemed them ‘sexy’. Us workers on that aisle were stunned to hear that word from someone so small and were too stunned to ask why he knew the meaning and to use it in proper context. Was this dad treating his five year old as a buddy instead of a child?

The next time I noticed a stunning display of parenting I was twenty-seven and at a bar on a Friday night. Friends and I were drinking, smoking and having a good time. The music was loud and it took me a while to realize there was a birthday party for a one year told taking place in the back. The mother of the child had the toddler propped up on her hip, her other hand contained her beer and lit cigarette. This was sad but it didn’t affect me. Not right then. No, that came later on when a six year old guest was guided through the pool tables (seriously the kid was nearly hit with pool cues several times) by his father, who stopped to tell me my swearing wasn’t appropriate. I would have totally agreed with him and told him as much. However I felt it pertinent to point out we were standing in a smoke-filled bar at eleven o’clock on a Friday night so perhaps his child is the one who was out of place, not I. I was full of righteous indignation!

Like I was last weekend when Jennifer and I went to see Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Stop chuckling, it’s our thing and we like the bad acting from the hot actors. We were chatting away when we saw a family of 4 adults and what looked like a six year old girl stroll into the theatre. That’s not a good movie for kids, particularly girls. There’s sex scenes and situations that made me uncomfortable because I knew a kid was in the audience.

I know people want to spend time with their kids but not every situation is appropriate. And forcing the fruit of your loins into situations isn’t appropriate. It makes it awkward. Last night I was at the Arizona Cardinals game against the Dallas Cowboys and there were a lot of small tykes with their parents. The parent has spent $75 for a ticket, $4.50 for a hot dog, $4.50 for a Coke and $6 for a beer. They want to watch the game but get frustrated because the toddler is bored and squirming around. The woman ahead of me in line to enter the stadium was carrying a child who couldn’t even walk yet.  I was curious if she’d even be able to watch the game.

I keep stories like the one above in mind when I’m called selfish for not having children. Heck, its not just the childless that are getting belittled. Jennifer and her husband attended a party last weekend (they had a babysitter- ME) and a woman pregnant with her sixth child made disparaging comments that Jennifer and her husband only have one. I don’t know if this woman thought there was a prize for the most offspring or perhaps she’s one of those individuals who feel the number of children you have is in direct proportion to how good of a parent you are. Regardless, I’m told this woman had nothing else to talk about. No hobbies, interests. If it didn’t involve her children, it didn’t exist. 

Please, stop forcing your progeny on us when its just not suitable. I don’t go to kid-friendly places like Red Robin or the lines to see Santa, don’t force me to dial down my salty language at an R-rated midnight showing of a movie because you don’t want your kid exposed.