December to Remember

This is the month of many parties and my weekends are loaded with activities. To quote my auntie Candi, there needs to be more weekends in December to fit everything in. With all the shiny objects on display it’s easy to get distracted. But I found a place that easily tops all other Christmas parties I’ve attended.

I accompanied a friend to his company’s annual Christmas party. It was held at the owner’s home, which sits on 2.5 acres. I’d heard the stories and seen the pictires so I knew I was in for a treat and I wasn’t disappointed. We pulled up to and enormous two story with a large circular driveway lit by red and white lites. A custom-made sign was lit and crane lifte over the house. Valet was on hand to take cars and a parking attendant directed those who wanted to park their own vehicles. Light towers had been brought in to make the parking lot easier to walk through. My companion walked escorted me into this house with its dark hardwood floors, stone fireplace dominating nearly an entire wall and twelve foot flocked Christmas tree decorated in an abstract snowman theme and topped with a custom lime green top hat like it was the Mad Hatter’s holiday attire.

This lovely tree was placed oh-so casually in a room devoid of furniture, done to give guests ease of mobility… through the enormous sliding glass doors that ran the entire length of the living room and opened onto the largest fenced in backyard I’ve ever seen in person. On the right were white linen-covered banquet tables, laden with pules of glazed Krispy Kreme donuts, tiers of dark chocolate pastries with powdered sugar, giving the chocolate a snowy effect. All of this was next to a shiny espresso machine. That looked so good but my eyes popped when I saw the rock slide that loomed over ONE (yeah, ONE) of the pools, a grotto underneath it with twinkling lights like a starry night. There was cushioned seating tucked into rock formations and looked so inviting (especially since I was rocking 4 inch heels) next to the large table filled with unpolished glass shards and had actual flames dancing over them. It was like seeing all the ideas from HGTV in one backyard! How could this possibly get any better? Let me continue.

Being escorted over the cool decking and onto the dance floor that was erected over the pool, I was able to get close to the bar that was stocked with top shelf hooch and professional bartenders. I was told the liquor distributor was sent out three times to get more liquor. One part open bar plus two parts festive atmosphere equals seriously lowered inhibitions and crazy dancing. Caught on camera and posted on YouTube. But I digress.

Through the banquet room that is attached to the house, on the other side of the property, is where the food was set up. A southern grill master was flown in to serve every type of beef and pork product you can name. Three different Costco meat counters were used in the making of this party.

After being shown all of this we walked to an enormous white tent, the kind typically used for weddings. This was the gaming area where craps, roulette and blackjack tables were located for free gambling. I didn’t do so hot but I watched everyone else and had a good time with it. And as my date pointed out, better I should learn there and not Vegas where it actually costs cash. Between the lights professionally strung everywhere, the thumping bass of the band that was also flown in from a southern state for the sake of authenticity because the hosting company is doing work in said southern state and being introduced to most of the east valley, my head was spinning and my eyes needed a rest. My friend and I wandered to the other pool, this only with little adornment. Except for the medium sized player of fire that was somehow anchored in the middle. It looked amazing and I sat there a few minutes and just enjoyed it when more folds came near, more introductions made and that’s when I saw I was standing next to a five foot in diameter sphere made of copper and lit from within. That’s when the newly cultivated acquaintances asked if we’d had our picture taken? We were directed back to the grotto where in a room carved out of rock, was tucked a professional photographer! I felt like I was at prom and should be wearing a corsage. My friend and I tried several of the doors after picture time and found the showers. Oh the showers. Travertine tiles on the floors and covering the walls. It looked amazing with the oil rubbed bronze faucets.

From there it was off to the garage where the company owner housed his pool table, stage with house band, early 1950s navy blue Caddie convertible and the sand buggy, a few of them, that the company races. For their own racing team. Is there anything this place doesn’t have? I felt like Alice in Wonderland… and the Mad Hatter hung his hat on a Christmas tree!

Today’s lie: Mediocre holiday party, seen one, seen them all.

Playing for Another Team

It’s that time of year again. No, not Christmas or Chanukah, I’m speaking of yearend reviews. This year will be different for me. I’m with a company that weathered layoffs and is currently expanding slowly across the country. If this company was a sports team, these would be labeled ‘the building years’ and I would be their latest team acquisition, heavily debated on ESPN. Liking these sports metaphors? Anyway, my first review is today. My boss told me this past Monday that though this is only my second week, we still need to meet, if for no other reason to make sure both parties are still comfortable with the arrangement.

When I played for my previous team, review time was nothing more than a formality, a chance to touch base with coaching and front office staff and hear the new higher salary numbers. However with a newly appointed commissioner hell-bent on proving their mettle, last year’s review was drubbing. Most of my teammates received similar reviews and it quickly became apparent the new commissioner seemed to be biased towards the owners and against the players.  Eventually the owners realized the damage this commissioner was doing and found a replacement with one who tried very hard to balance players’ needs with owners’ desires. It’s like a wicked game of Jenga with folk’s careers.

After a scathing review spearheaded by the former commissioner, I enjoyed a more fair review of my strengths and weaknesses under the new commissioner. Then in a shake-up not even Fox Sports could anticipate on game day, I was moved to special teams. Like this morning when the NBA commissioner interfered with team trades; it was a massive, unheard of and sent shockwaves throughout the entire league and looked upon by players and critics as a power play. I was stunned by this eleventh hour decision. But I tried to handle the information like a Manning, stoic and professional.

The new special teams coach was great, really knew his stuff and cared about his team. Like the late, great Bo Schembechler, he inspired, guided and even cajoled when necessary. However even this coach seemed to grow wear with too many demands by the commissioner. The coach eventually moved onto an even better program elsewhere with a much bigger area. We bid him a find farewell. And a week later I was released from my team. To quote The Sandlot, “I blame myself”. Perhaps I had residual anger from the previous regime and it was affecting my game. Like Twitting trash talk from the sidelines or having an inflated sense of self (like every pro athlete is guilty of at least once). 

I was then a free agent and have since found my new team and couldn’t be happier. I wasn’t welcomed as a savior like Stafford, or mocked like Tebow but greeted as Warner was in Cardinal Stadium; a seasoned pro joining an already great franchise with talent already in place.

So this year’s review will be refreshing, No bitter commissioner looking to make a name, no coach with secret desires to be the next commissioner. And I can enjoy my new position here, with the knowledge I’m neither a has-been (Barber), a washout (Plummer) or a never-was (Leinart).

Today’s lie: I’m a future Hall of Famer!

Parent Trap

When I was 18 my first job was stocking shelves at a store that was a mix between Kroger and Kohl’s. One night a dad came into the household section to buy himself bed sheets and he brought his adorable five year old son with him. The father selected black satin sheets     and the son deemed them ‘sexy’. Us workers on that aisle were stunned to hear that word from someone so small and were too stunned to ask why he knew the meaning and to use it in proper context. Was this dad treating his five year old as a buddy instead of a child?

The next time I noticed a stunning display of parenting I was twenty-seven and at a bar on a Friday night. Friends and I were drinking, smoking and having a good time. The music was loud and it took me a while to realize there was a birthday party for a one year told taking place in the back. The mother of the child had the toddler propped up on her hip, her other hand contained her beer and lit cigarette. This was sad but it didn’t affect me. Not right then. No, that came later on when a six year old guest was guided through the pool tables (seriously the kid was nearly hit with pool cues several times) by his father, who stopped to tell me my swearing wasn’t appropriate. I would have totally agreed with him and told him as much. However I felt it pertinent to point out we were standing in a smoke-filled bar at eleven o’clock on a Friday night so perhaps his child is the one who was out of place, not I. I was full of righteous indignation!

Like I was last weekend when Jennifer and I went to see Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Stop chuckling, it’s our thing and we like the bad acting from the hot actors. We were chatting away when we saw a family of 4 adults and what looked like a six year old girl stroll into the theatre. That’s not a good movie for kids, particularly girls. There’s sex scenes and situations that made me uncomfortable because I knew a kid was in the audience.

I know people want to spend time with their kids but not every situation is appropriate. And forcing the fruit of your loins into situations isn’t appropriate. It makes it awkward. Last night I was at the Arizona Cardinals game against the Dallas Cowboys and there were a lot of small tykes with their parents. The parent has spent $75 for a ticket, $4.50 for a hot dog, $4.50 for a Coke and $6 for a beer. They want to watch the game but get frustrated because the toddler is bored and squirming around. The woman ahead of me in line to enter the stadium was carrying a child who couldn’t even walk yet.  I was curious if she’d even be able to watch the game.

I keep stories like the one above in mind when I’m called selfish for not having children. Heck, its not just the childless that are getting belittled. Jennifer and her husband attended a party last weekend (they had a babysitter- ME) and a woman pregnant with her sixth child made disparaging comments that Jennifer and her husband only have one. I don’t know if this woman thought there was a prize for the most offspring or perhaps she’s one of those individuals who feel the number of children you have is in direct proportion to how good of a parent you are. Regardless, I’m told this woman had nothing else to talk about. No hobbies, interests. If it didn’t involve her children, it didn’t exist. 

Please, stop forcing your progeny on us when its just not suitable. I don’t go to kid-friendly places like Red Robin or the lines to see Santa, don’t force me to dial down my salty language at an R-rated midnight showing of a movie because you don’t want your kid exposed. 

Day Two at the Happiest Place on Earth!

Greetings from Day Two of my new employment! It was another wonderful day and today even had a soundtrack. I was the first to arrive this morning and after setting up my voicemail messages, others in my department arrived and turned on the internet radio. The sounds of Pandora’s Katy Perry station filled our area. We sang along, danced and yes even work was completed. Its such a lighthearted atmosphere, like Santa’s workshop. I was told of the upcoming Christmas party at the office, where there will be food, games and we’re encouraged to decorate our cubicles. But the company doesn’t want to spend too much money until the economic downturn is over so by not throwing a glitzy bash, we’ll still get to celebrate but not be over the top. Its forward-thinking on the part of the company.

This afternoon my department and I went to lunch at Gallagher’s. I haven’t been to that bar/restaurant in over a decade. The food was okay but the laughs were great and I was the center of attention while they played Get to Know Your New Coworker. They liked my answers and we all found out we are similar in age (except for the 24yr old that sits next to me and the receptionist born in, wait for it, 1991), we all love the color purple, we all love all sorts of food. And those of us that were around for the 1980s still love the music and the movies. We’ve also already made New Year’s Eve plans because they thought mine sounded so fabulous, they were intrigued.

Oh and we had another field trip today! I was shown to the other outdoor bathroom near another terrace, this one on ground level with the fountains and ponds. Truly it’s a lovely area, it just seems so odd to me that there are no facilities in the actual office. Oh! And get this! I was told the upstairs women’s bathroom is thought to be haunted! Women have heard whistling, mumbling, the lights have gone off before. One of the women said it could be just sounds from the surrounding offices however the entire second floor is unoccupied.  I’ve not heard a thing other than flushing so I’m not worried.

I was granted my keys to various places, access codes and security badge to get into the building in the morning. Tomorrow the IT guy will be setting up… something deemed by the company to be necessary. I’m still asking questions about Google Chrome but I can see why its so popular. It has all the properties of Outlook but this seems to be, for lack of a better word, funner. OK more fun is the proper phrase but its nearly 9:30pm, cut me some slack.

This afternoon I also sat in on my first weekly department meeting and I must tell you I found myself comparing my old job’s weekly meetings to this new one. First, this one is actually video conferencing. Much easier. Also there’s a well-planned itinerary and everyone is encouraged to speak. I’ve been assured (not by management) that unrealistic deadlines aren’t common at all and moments of levity are expected. When I left the office tonight, the managers were cleaning the foosball players and dressing them as Santa and his elves.

Today’s lie: This won’t get any better and its only downhill from here.

I'm Going to Disney Land!

I leapt out of bed this morning, all giddy with delight. No, it wasn’t Christmas; I’m still eating leftover Thanksgiving goodies. Today was just as exciting though for I started my first day of work. I was dressed as corporate as I possibly could manage because that’s how I was told to dress. I was forty minutes early to work.  This gave me time to get the lay of the land. OK not really, I used to live in central Phoenix. More like I was getting reacquainted with an old friend. Like you both know so much time has passed yet it feels like we still know each other well. I got to see the new boutiques and non-chain restaurants that have opened on 16^th St & Bethany Home, I had extra time to marvel at how much things have changed in that area with the trendy cupcake bakery but remain status quo with the BBQ restaurant still occupying the northeast corner.

I strode across the parking lot with purpose and waited to be buzzed in through the security door. The entire corporate complex is designed to look business-like but with mission-style touches. More on that later. The receptionist, also named April, greeted me, as did the admin assistant, Gina. They were still waking up though it was nearly 10am. Or maybe I was too full of caffeine. I was told my new boss was still on vacation for the holiday but was shown around by the woman who had interviewed me after my boss did. I was introduced to everyone and believe when I tell you my coworkers are the united colors of Benetton. The UN doesn’t have this much diversity! It was great! I also was told by the IT guys that they’re easily bribed with cookies if I need their help. Good to know!

After seeing the break room with the air hockey and foosball table, the Keurig coffee maker, the really fancy vending machines with fresh fruit and vegetables, I was shown to my desk to put my purse. And what a desk! My cubicle is nearly the size of my bedroom! There are hand-blown glass partitions between and the other girl, a lovely indie chick named Alicia with multiple facial piercings. It occurred to me then to ask where the bathroom was located for future reference. I was walked passed walls of flat screen TVs, more than Best Buy has, past the multicolored metal wall sculptures and outside to the courtyard. Wait. Outside. Why were we outside? Oddly enough, we ventured up a large set of concrete stairs that have mission-style ceramic tiles on them, up another flight of equally adorned stairs, turn a corner into darkness and walk across Spanish tiles to the terrace that overlooks the courtyard, a lovely area that was so quiet and Catholic looking, I expected Dominican monks to walk past me. At one point I expected tolling bells to call me for noon time prayer. That didn’t happen though so instead we traversed the second story terrace and turned down a dark breezeway and stood before a poorly marked heavy wooden, carved door. Not like some secret door you’d expect to find housing a speakeasy, more like a door to a gothic castle or Frankenstein’s lab. Or apparently, the women’s restroom. After working the key a bit to get the knob to turn, I was shown into a dimly lit bathroom with more Spanish tile and mission-style ceramics, this time for the sinks and counters. It was a bit musty smelling in there but with a door like that, I’m not surprised.

After making my way back to my desk I was given the form on how to setup my voicemail (there were already messages waiting for me), passwords and usernames for various computer programs and a tutorial on Google Chrome. I’d never used that particular program but I’d seen the Lady Gaga commercial for it so I felt prepared. Anyway, After a fast day of learning names, locations and computer programs and company procedures, it was time to leave. That’s when I asked what the dress code it. I looked like a Wall Street employee while my new coworkers looked like they were Occupying Wall Street. I was told to wear jeans and tennis shoes, no hats or sports apparel, no flip-flops. This all came from a woman with pierced eyebrows, hipster Elvis Costello glasses and blue dreadlocks. We’re allowed to paly music and they do. Its like they have an agreed upon playlist and maybe they do. Maroon 5, Tom Petty, Joy Division, The Cure and some indie bands too. My Metallica suggestion raised many an eyebrow but that’s ok. I’ll just wear headphones after I’ve been there a while.

This place is fantastic. The coworkers are pretty left leaning, there’s a live and let live vibe. There’s no cattiness, everyone seems to get along well. It was like having never been on vacation and then finding myself at Disney Land. On my way out the door I called my friend Jennifer and asked her for a favor. When she gets to my old job tomorrow, tell everyone near and far that I’m doing great… and they can all suck it.

Today’s lie: My first day was mediocre at best.

I Will Survive

Every year just before Thanksgiving, I receive from several friends, the same e-card. It’s an animated cartoon of a turkey with a large afro, dancing on a stage belting out I Will Survive into a microphone. The character’s name is Gloria Gobbler, after the singer of the original version, Gloria Gaynor. Its an anthem heard at most clubs towards the end of the evening, particularly at gay clubs. It’s cute and a nice Thanksgiving wish from friends who’ve outgrown the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special on TV; I’m not one of those who has outgrown it but I digress.

This year I found myself humming that very song after I received a phone call from a national company I’d interviewed with last week. I am now employed. Or at, I will be the Monday after Thanksgiving. This call couldn’t have come at a better time.

Before I’d answered the phone call offering me the job, I was packing. Because I was unemployed and my lease was up, I was moving back in with my parents. I didn’t know how long that relocation would last, and I was deeply thankful that they have a home large enough for me and that I wouldn’t at all be a burden on them. But getting that phone call this afternoon really put a spring in my step, knowing that somewhere around mid-February I’ll start looking for my own apartment again.

Allow me this happiness as I revel in being employed again, to count my blessings several days before I sit down to a feast next Thursday. I’m blessed to have parents I get along with, who have helped me through these two months of unemployment, with their words of encouragement and a few extra bucks slipped my way. I’m thankful my friends allowed me to vent my frustrations while I pounded the pavement in search of work.

And I’m thankful the Lions are having a winning season that will be on televised for the annual Green Bay versus Detroit Thanksgiving Day game. Dear Lord, remind Matt Stafford to feel thankful for still being starting QB for the Lions after last week's disasterous game.

Today’s daily lie: At first I was afraid, I was petrified…

Pros!

It took me longer than I thought to post this. Mainly because I’ve been searching for a job and stunned that while so many companies claim to be hiring, they’re sure not calling me. And they must not be receiving what they’re looking for since they’re still posting the same job.

But onward! The pros of being a receptionist! There are actually many. I started in that position at a quiet manufacturing company. It was so quiet that I was able to do homework since I was still in college at the time. And when that was done I’d ask for work. I started learning Spanish and human resources. I was about to be taught more of the accounting side when there was a change in management and all the positions were shuffled around. Anyway, at my next position I was further able to hone my HR and language skills. I’d applied for the next higher position but was declined because the supervisor said he didn’t have time to teach me the accounting portion. In hindsight I can see why, he was too busy courting the newly divorced woman he went on to marry.

My point is receptionist can be a great stepping stone to many other positions if you’re willing to learn. If you’re completing college or newly graduated it’s a great foot in the door. However the only downfall is if you’re so good at the job that no one wants you to leave it. Then it becomes a big problem. I was glad to be given more work and taught many new things but it was like a slap in the face when I was declined for other positions, being told I was too valuable in my current receptionist position.

It helps when your own manager sees your value and isn’t going to hold you back so they won’t have to break in someone new. At my last job I started off with a great manager and ended with a great manager. The in-between people weren’t so great, they were too busy advancing their own careers to notice me. Because its difficult to work AND just the bus schedule to know when to next throw me under it.

Did you know that most people undervalue the receptionist position? Vendors think you’re a part of the surroundings like the copier and don’t watch what they’re saying. Other times they treat you like dirt right to your face because they don’t understand that the receptionist is also the gatekeeper. Every receptionist position I held, I was asked by management how I was treated. If I wasn’t treated well, the vendor didn’t get our business. Oh on a side note, being the front desk person also allows you to see the major players are at a company. Not for the sake of sucking up but to see who has high level projects that perhaps you can assist with.

At this point I’ve all but given up on searching for a new job. I’ve been looking since September 15^th and it’s been the same positions over and over with the same companies. I don’t know if they’re not finding what they’re looking for or perhaps as my mom suggested, they’re just getting a really large stash of résumés ready for when they do need someone. All I do know is I’m tired of politicians saying ‘we’ need to create jobs and then nothing else happens. Perhaps to generate interest I’ll say I’m the 6^th woman Herman Cain propositioned! Its not true but he’s blaming Democrats for his behavior anyway!

Today’s lie: this will all be over soon and I’ll be back to working in no time.

The Receptionist Blues

Since I’m combing the want ads on a daily basis, I see receptionist wanted on a daily basis. This got me thinking about my time in that position. Today I’ll be discussing the cons of it, tomorrow the pros.

The title of receptionist is bestowed on a person (usually female) whose sole function is to sit at the front desk of the office and direct calls, sign for packages and distribute mail. That’s what I also started out as when I was given my first ‘real’ job. It was pretty straight forward. It gave me time to do homework, it was clean and I learned how an office works.

That was thirteen years ago and judging from the ads I see, the position has certainly evolved. The person must be now proficient in Microsoft Office, order office supplies, arrange and attend various meetings, take dictation, data entry, while simultaneously answering the phone, the fax and respond to email. Oh being bilingual is also a plus because this is Arizona. The requirements for the position are at least three years’ experience with these tasks and a college degree. For $9.50 an hour. That’s less than I made at my first real job.

I understand the ads need to include the job duties but what I don’t understand is why the receptionist position has turned into a dumping ground. Let me explain: the above tasks don’t usually take an entire day so a receptionist finds herself with time on her hands and being a good employee and wanting to show she’s better than her current position, she asks for more work. However when other employees learn the receptionist wants more work, they begin handing over the menial tasks they don’t have time or desire to complete. Pretty soon the receptionist desk becomes a dumping ground for other employees work and her time is spent working on those tasks, not the ones originally assigned to her. However she (and it’s almost always a she) continues to juggle the added workload because it’s what she asked for.

I think at times the people doing the hiring lose sight of the original purpose of a receptionist because answering the phone and signing for packages is so basic and that’s what they’re looking for. But I would argue that position is so much more. The above job description is one that I read every day. I have all of those skills and more but I’m insulted at the $9.50 an hour. Minimum wage is AZ is $7.35 so yes $9.50 is a nice increase. But when your ad states an individual must have at least three years’ experience, pay them accordingly. The receptionist position has evolved into all things to all people, depending on what sort of office you work in. At my old company she also did accounting. At the company before that she (meaning me) did all the hiring. The place before that the receptionist also was responsible for marketing of all things!

My point is, stop insulting the job force, or reminding them they should be grateful for $9.50. I’ve been turned down for those positions lately because I have so much experience that companies know I would leave for greener pastures when possible.

Today’s lie: is actually a truth. I’m way over-qualified for receptionist positions but the admin positions I apply to don’t want me at all.

Corporate American't

I’ve been to several placement services and I don’t mind telling you that up until today, I wasn’t impressed.

Up until today I’ve been interviewed by women nearly ten years younger than me, many of whom have looked their nose down at me. The offices are cramped, the women can’t wait to get me out of there and they’re more concerned with filling receptionist positions than what they’ve originally called me in for. I get it, receptionists are difficult to get. But that’s another post. Today’s post is discussing what is passing for office appropriate clothing.

Yesterday’s interview had me driving to the Biltmore area, across the street from the first apartment my family lived in when we moved here. The office building had just begun being built at that time so I was looking forward to seeing how it turned out. The place is lovely. I walked through a nice seating area, passed many offices with beveled glass and heavy custom wood doors. I was impressed. I rode the elevator to the second floor, strode down the hallway with the lovely deep pile carpeting and swung open the custom door to be faced with the office equivalent of a trailer park. The nice receptionist asked for my name and told me to have a seat to fill out paperwork. This gave me a great view of her outfit: black dress shoes and slacks and this odd purple shirt that (seriously) was both a blouse and a halter top. Way too casual on top for the dressy bottom. It was a mullet outfit! And when she reached down to get more copy paper, the entire waiting area was treated to an ample view of her breasts.

The next woman I saw was hanging pictures and tidying up the space because they’d just had it painted. She was in a see-thru white stretch shirt with a black bra to match her black, dingy capris. I was stunned when I saw she was also barefoot. After filling out my paperwork and taking some typing tests in a room the size of a Post-It, I was led to my meeting with the actual hiring person. Oh wait, no I wasn’t. She sent her assistant. This person’s clothing was better but by then I already had a bad taste in my mouth. I doubt I’ll hear back from them but you’ll hear about that in my next post about receptionist positions.

I walked slowly back through the seating area when I was done, just to get a glimpse of other potential employees and hit the jackpot. One woman was in sweats, another was wearing stripper heels and had hair down past her butt that was still wet from (I hope) her shower.

Last week’s interview was conducted by a woman who commented that she’d eaten too much at lunch and unbuttoned her slacks in the interview. Classy! And the week before that was the receptionist who had on skinny jeans and no panties. THIS is who is deciding the next step in my career?

Today’s interview was again in the Biltmore area. I’d spoken with this woman at length the previous night and we hit it off right away. I arrived at today’s appointment and saw again a lovely building. But this was different because the office looked great, the receptionist was in appropriate attire and the woman who interviewed me spent forty minutes going over what I’m looking for and even gave me great tips on my résumé, after complimenting it the night before. In short it was a great experience and I emailed her when I got home to tell her as much. And my name is now on the short list to be interviewed at the Mayo Clinic.

Today’s lie: Stripper apparel is the new office attire.

Game Over. Play Again?

All this time I’ve been sending résumés I’ve learned something: job hunting is like playing video games, which I’m fairly good at. And no, not because that’s all I’ve been spending my unemployed time doing. Let me paint you a picture.

When you start a video game for the first time, there’s typically a few minutes that is like a movie. It lays out the backstory and lets you know what your mission is. In job hunting terms, that means the story begins where you’ve lost your job and go home to work on getting a new one. For video games the screen then goes black and inquires if you’re playing with more than one person. In my case, I’m Player One since no one is depending on me. This might seem daunting to go this alone but I find adding Player Two just confuses things and its difficult (though not impossible) to tag team.

Level One of the video game usually has you collecting items as you move through the board. A sword, coins, information from random characters; in short there’s no adversarial aspects and it’s a jumping off point. For job hunting it’s updating your résumé. Nothing scary about that and you’ve collected worthwhile things. Knowledge, letters of reference, coins.

But just like a video game gets slightly more difficult as you continue, so too does the job hunting. Level Two of video games still has you acquiring items but there are a few bad guys to slow your progress.  When job hunting this is when you to get a few calls about your résumé but nothing to email home about. That’s like losing all your lives and having to start over.

Most video games have a ‘secret’ area that can be difficult to find. It’s usually an area that gives information, more coins and extra weaponry. Many gamers ask other gamers for tips. In the employment game, you ask for help too. I asked a friend of the family to review my résumé. She’s like my secret for dealing with the corporate world.

With her tips I restarted the game by posting my newly improved résumé online. I was then able to better navigate to other levels faster. And by that I mean I was getting calls for interviews with quality companies. I’m avoiding the bad guys (useless placement staff) and attempting to put myself ahead of other job candidates. Some of whom bear a striking resemblance to those mushroom guys in Mario Bros. I’m hoping to make it to the final level of the game, employment. In a gamer’s world, that means there’s an end battle of epic proportions with a lot of action happening but if you conquer the end guy (yeah they call it that) then you’ve completed your journey. However I’ve never given up on a video game without beating it and I won’t give up on this. I’ll just have to restart the game and continue.

Today’s lie: Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle.

Ms Kennedy Goes to Washington

There’s an old Spanish proverb that says, “it’s always darkest before the dawn”. I find that quite appropriate since I’m awake and still searching for a job. Now that its after midnight I can say I’ve been out of work for one month today. In the span of things that’s not at all a long time. But to my bank account that’s a lifetime.

No, I’m not homeless; I’m still in my apartment. But if things continue I’ll be moving into my parents’ home at the end of next month. That’s not a thought I relish. Not because I don’t get along with my parents, we have a great relationship. It’s because by moving back with them means I’m still unemployed. I’ve got a very strong work ethic and being unemployed means I can’t exercise that ethic.

I’ve been working out, sticking with my eating plan, writing a lot and lying low to preserve of funds.  If I do any less I’d be mistaken for a member of Congress.  

Come to think of it, I should run for office in a national race. I’d run of a platform based on moderation, telling voters I’m going clean up the corruption that’s rampant in DC. Since that place won't ever change no one would expect me to follow through. I could go on speaking tours in a large bus that’s terrible for the environment, while telling everyone I recycle because I’m a friend to the Earth. Trips all over the world paid for the taxpayers under the guise of a ‘fact finding mission’ would allow me to visit all manner of countries and when constituents grow tired of my not doing anything productive, I can just go on television and blame the sitting President and/or the other political party.  I'd sit on on CSPAN but since all they do is argue over one another, I just have to look angry and point out that by questioning my lack of productivity, that's questioning my patriotism.

Oh there could be some scandal that puts me in the hot seat but friends will tell you I’m drama-free. I’m openly heterosexual and single which may not sit well with the religious right but I could always pacify them by saying I’m on doing God’s work.

There’s no Halliburton in my work history so there’s no conflict of interest with government contracts. And since it was a large corporation that laid me off, I can really use that to appeal to the working man. I could go to my home state of MI and rally the unemployed auto workers and promise to get them back to work if they just throw a few bucks my way.

And when I’m eventually voted out of office for talking a big game but not doing a blessed thing, I could write my memoirs, touting my lifetime health benefits all congressional members receive and wrap myself in the American flag on the cover.

Today’s lie: a vote for me is a vote for truth, justice and the American way.

Keep Calm & Carry On

When we’re young there are all sorts of things to learn: tying shoes, riding a bike without training wheels, the alphabet, how to count. Mastering these small tasks gives a sense of accomplishment. Praise is given and parents tell you what a big kid you are. But if you’ve ever spent time with a young child, you know some things are more tricky to learn and even harder to teach.

This past weekend I babysat my friend Jennifer’s daughter Olivia. She asked to play the board game Trouble and was frustrated I won and she hid under her parents’ bed momentarily, saying it wasn’t fair.  With some coaxing I got her to come out and reminded her that it’ll take practice and patience. I left their house quite amused that a game like Trouble could cause Olivia to be upset that she wasn’t winning.

This week it will be a month since I lost my job. I’m upset I’m not winning at being employed and it’s causing me to want to hide under my parents’ bed and deem the situation not fair. Trouble indeed.

Patience is a tough thing to teach and even tougher to learn. An explanation of the word is sufficient for small children but putting it into practice, no matter your age, is very trying. I get frustrated and angry that I’m not getting the interviews I think I should be. I find my patience with the situation wearing thin at times and it’s hard to keep my spirits up. Friends wish me well on my quest for employment and it’s well-meaning and I deeply appreciate their words of kindness but that’s not getting me any phone calls from potential employers.

So how does one learn patience? By facing a situation you have no control over and attempting to remain calm. It’s maddening to say the least. To tackle this I’m rewriting my résumé, checking the classifieds daily, registering with temp agencies and reminding myself I’m not the only person searching for a job.

Today’s lie: I’ve mastered patience and no longer need this lesson.

Occupy Wall Street

I’ve been out of work three weeks today. Many others have been out of work for much longer. It’s disheartening to pound the pavement looking for work but I do what I can to keep my chin up. I don’t have a husband, children or a mortgage so the only person affected by my job loss is me. And the economy.

I did find some entertainment when I was on the treadmill at the gym today. Fox News was on Wall Street speaking with protestors who want answers and to some extent, retribution. They (and we) are tired of investors who have been bailed out, tired of hearing rich politicians tell us times are tough but ‘we’ll come through this together as a nation’. I want to speak with the hedge fund managers, leaders at all levels of government, heads of industries and ask them how they feel things are going to get better. What are they doing to pump money into the economy? Many protestors said they were tired of being educated but jobless, being ignored and marginalized by lawmakers and disgusted by the handouts given to corporations (not to mention tax cuts) when the average citizen doesn’t have that. The response from the ‘reporters’ was surprising. They mocked those gathered on Wall Street, calling them hippies, saying they are leaderless and need to get a job.

I was stunned by their response. I shouldn’t be, its Fox Channel and they are deeply Republican which means they are in bed with big business. What stunned me more was their ‘let them eat cake’ attitude. These reporters (I chuckle when using that term for this particular group of people) actually said on national television that these protestors were (wait for it) anti-American. Excuse me but its gathering to protest something in the Bill of Rights? Our entire way of life was built on people not being happy with being taxed to death, having absolutely no say and then being taxed again by the king. True, we have no royalty in this country but I’d be willing to make an argument that those in the 1% tax bracket are what we would consider nobility. They’re well-educated, moneyed and full of self-assurance. They also tend to act entitled though they’re not titled in the monarchy sense. And they mock those who only want a better future.

In the span of three weeks I’ve lost my job, health insurance, had to give notice that I’m vacating my apartment, sign up for food stamps and unemployment while the talking heads on Fox are telling viewers  the protestors are getting in their way and slowing down their drive to their Hampton homes for an end of summer BBQ.

I’m saddened at the state our economy is in, I’m angry with silly politicians and I’m disgusted with what passes for news on Fox. Their behavior was so ridiculous I thought I was watching the Colbert Report.

Today’s lie: better times for the economy are just around the corner.

This is What I pay Taxes For?

Yesterday I had job interviews.  I’ve got my second round of interviews on Friday. I’ve also been arguing with the Department of Economic Security about unemployment. My state is strapped for cash because the housing crash really affected Arizona so there’s more hoops to jump through now than just a few years ago. With all the back and forth phone calls, running to copy and fax machines and getting people documents, sending resumes and researching companies, I’m pooped! Who knew being unemployed would leave me with so little time.

I’ve having to prove to the state of Arizona that I’m a legal resident, was gainfully employed until recently and remind the state that I dutifully paid taxes. I’ve been funding those who are out of work and those who use welfare and unemployment checks as a lifestyle. This makes me angry. Please don’t misunderstand; I’m more than happy to help those who truly cannot work because of mental or physical limitations. But when I turn on the news and see a homeless woman say she’s living in a friend’s garage with her two children and her infant, I want to shake my fists in rage. This woman has been out of work for three years. She was a housekeeper for a hotel but due to the drop in tourism here (which this state depends on to some extent) she was let go from her job. I’m sorry for her but she now has a three week old to care for. How did getting pregnant when you already can’t care for your children sound like a good idea?

When I initially signed up for unemployment and state insurance, I had to answer questions that I’ve never been asked before: do I know who my father is, can I prove it, are my parents here legally and am I really a citizen of the state of Arizona? I provided a copy of my birth certificate, my paternal lineage is a sure thing and I’ve been living and paying taxes in this state for thirteen years. I don’t like that I have to rely on the state but I’ll answer their questions. I do, however, raise an eyebrow when the unemployment office asks if I have a husband to ‘pay my way’ until I find another job. This person was disheartened when I stated I’ve never been married and I’ve been paying my own way for years.

I’m going to need state help until I’m employed again. I understand the state help has been pushed to the limit due to enormous strain from all the unemployed people. I’m not going to rail against immigrants but I’m none too pleased that its easier for illegal immigrants to receive benefits that I am having difficulty obtaining. I’m sure those families aren’t living in luxury but I’m fairly certain I pay more in taxes than they do. Do you know I was told it would be easier if I had a child? Apparently illegitimate children make it easier to receive government assistance. Like a sucker I went to college and got on birth control. I’m not sure what the American dream looks like now but I’m wondering if it’s not a dream so much as a nightmare.

Today’s lie: everything will be better in the morning.

Exceptance Speech

We’ve come to a period in history that should be celebrated. In recent years three women have attempted to secure their party’s nomination for the highest office in the land. That’s quite an accomplishment.

As one of the candidates once said, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’. That could also be applied loosely to this moment. It takes many a pioneer to reach this moment. Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton and many others dedicated their lives to women’s suffrage in a time when it was unheard of. Margaret Sanger took it a step further by demanding women have control over their reproductive choices. Elizabeth Blackwell broke ground by becoming the first female physician. Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem brought a new wave of feminism into the modern era. We all owe them many thanks.

So it is with a heavy heart and a mix of shock and horror when I see who was making noises about running in the upcoming election: Michele Bachman and Sarah Palin. This is what modern feminism has produced? Females have endured patriarchal societies, jail and public humiliation for these two women to garner national attention. And they’re squandering their opportunity.

I admit I was pleased to hear Palin isn’t running in this election cycle. Her gosh howdy demeanor and complete lack of understanding of public policy was a sight to behold last time around. But Michele Bachman is running this time. Like many deeply conservative Republicans, she spews hate and spreads fear. But for me the kicker was that this lawyer seemed to be unable or unwilling to grasp facts. I gave her the benefit of the doubt in the beginning, thinking perhaps her staff hadn’t properly prepped her. But listening to early debates has left me breathless at her monumental stupidity and afraid if she wins.

It got me wondering what it is about a strong, intelligent woman that scares American voters. What was it about Hillary that her party wouldn’t give her their blessing? Many thought she came across as a shrew, a ball-buster. Someone even called her a femi-nazi. But no one really said why they felt that way. What about her was so emasculating or intimidating that she couldn’t be Commander in Chief?

Are we devolving or are we as a nation just not ready to see a female in such a leadership position? We want someone strong, not afraid to make the toughest of choices and to lead our country to greatness. Does any of this sound like something Michele Bachman could handle? Are we still idealizing that image of homemaker or working mom? A woman who bakes her kids cookies couldn’t possibly cope with the pressure of President?

I’m thankful for those who came before me. Their passion and determination is what allows me to vote, marry and divorce as I choose, build a career, own property, all without permission from a man. But I’m worried we as a whole cannot seem to shake off those last vestiges of unrealistic idealism that seem to be holding us back from having a female as President. And I worry that all we’re left to choose from are women who set us back decades with their caricatures of how women ‘should’ behave.

Today’s lie: we’ll soon usher in an era where women will be thought of as equals on a global level in the political arena.

An Epic Tale

Our tale begins as many stories do. A working girl (nope not that kind) was diligently toiling during the day in a down economy, while lovingly crafting her book at night. Cobbling together thoughts and words that would drive Hemingway to drink (because what didn’t?) and Austen to wish Mr. Darcy would put her out of her misery (the original Carrie Bradshaw).

This fine lass was bothered by incessant itching. Nightly she’d claw at her skin and beg for relief; morning time she would rise to greet the day with bits of blood and skin under her nails. Lotion brought no comfort, nor Benadryl. One morning at work when the itching was too much, she called for help from her primary care physician. After detailing her woes, the nurse practitioner saw fit to check for liver damage brought on by our heroine’s blood pressure medication. This was for naught though it was a small blessing to know organs were not being damaged. Our damsel asked said NP for guidance and was gently rebuffed, the NP literally shrugging off the pleas for assistance.

Enter the trusty sidekick, a young woman with a burgeoning entrepreneurial spirit named Jennifer. This woman gifted our protagonista (just made that word up) with information that proved to be invaluable: the name of her dermatologist. After procuring an appointment our leading lady faced a series of grueling challenges (think Lord of the Rings) that included blood, urine and egad, stool samples. Weeping into her new pillow at night she’d cry out, WTF is wrong with me?!

After relegating her bed linens to the trash, facing down potential dust mites, enduring cool showers and numerous applications of much lotion, this oracle, gave our tired, now poor, claw-ravaged woman words of comfort, saying, “I can’t find anything. See an allergist.” Augh! More tests, more waiting and now in a drug-induced stupor, our leading lady was beginning to lose hope. But fear not, for our tale is about to take a most fortuitous turn.

At the urging of her mother, a wise woman with much experience in allergies, told her daughter of a man with vast knowledge could help. But who was this person? “A name, I must have his name!” It was then that our protagonista (seriously I should call Webster’s) began the last leg of her epic journey, to the enchanted AZ Asthma & Allergy.

Weary and losing hope, this leading lady made her way to this magic man. He finally gave her the prognosis she’s been searching for: non-specific itching! And do you know what happened after that? The itching stopped, the spell had been broken and she lived happily ever after.

Today’s lie: this journey wasn’t at all frustrating or expensive.

Are You Not Entertained

Ah the 1980s. I remember them well. Gorbachev had torn down that wall, Mary Lou Retton was a fresh-faced teenager and Madonna had taken over a channel called MTV. I also remember the 80s as the decade I first threw a hissy fit about politics. I had never heard of Gary Hart’s Monkey Business and knew nothing about the Iran Contra scandal. I was just a small town girl (I wasn’t small the town was) when I came home from playing My Little Pony with a friend and turned on the television before dinner. There weren’t remote controls at that time so it took a few minutes for the TV to warm up. I settled onto the couch in the den and prepared to watch The Cosby Show. It wasn’t on and I was instead introduced to someone named Regan who looked older than my grandparents who was talking. Endlessly. The same old man was talking on all the ‘good’ channels at once? How can this be? My parents, always looking at any situation as a teaching moment, told me that back in their day the political debates were on all the major networks and there weren’t any other channels so I should be happy there were other options. God bless my parents for trying but when you’re six and all you want to do is watch the Huxtables, a lesson on being thankful for what you have just won’t cut it. I’ll have to confirm with my parents but I think it didn’t matter what other channels had to offer because my acting like such a brat ended television privileges for the night.

See what politics does? Takes a mild-mannered person and makes them a whiney six year old. It’s a scientific fact! Much like Michelle Bachmann stating this week that HPV vaccinations cause mental retardation. Huh, is that what her problem is, she got the shot?

I’m no longer that whiney six year old. I have Direct TV, Play Station 2, the internet or even a book.  I take advantage of all of these diversions but I find I have to use them more often in this campaign season. Shouldn’t there be a time limit on this sort of thing? A year in advance and already the GOP debates have been on several times. The Democrats will run Obama so there’s no Democratic debate other than what the hell happened to our party?

 I’m not complaining because I’m against Republicans; frankly I’m not dazzled by Democrats at this point and the current administration is way too weak for my taste. Are these Republican candidates looking for their next job and not doing the job they already have sworn to uphold? Or maybe it doesn’t matter. I know here in AZ when John McCain ran twice we didn’t notice because he was ineffectual even when he was in town.

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. The political debates have given Jon Stewart, Bill Maher and SNL endless things to discuss. So I’ll tune into the debates enough to know what they’re mocking. Then I’m turn into that whiney six year old girl simply because of what is coming out of politicians mouths.

Today’s lie: politicians are not out for themselves but sacrifice everything for the good of the nation.

Seeing Red

Arizona’s current governor, Jan Brewer, recently returned from China after she “led a delegation of state economic-development officials, business leaders and others whose trip included stops in Beijing and Shanghai. The trip's purpose was to make contacts intended to strengthen Arizona exports to China and promote Chinese investment in Arizona.”

That was her press release to the Arizona Republic.  She’s attempting to woo Chinese businesses to AZ to they invest in our local economy. I have no problem with free trade on a global scale but I really want to know if her trip netted any amazing contracts. There’s been no follow-up press release about this. Where’s the indignation by Arizonans? It was a tiny article and barely mentioned on the news and I’m thinking many don’t know about her trip because they’re (we) are too busy looking for work, trying to feed kids and retain our jobs in a down market because state unemployment is 9.7% and I’m now part of it. See why I have time to catch up on our governor’s comings and goings?

From what I’ve read China doesn’t need to invest in anything other than itself. They’re building at an incredible rate. They may be communists but their country is looking a whole lot better than ours at this point. China rank has reigned as the world's second largest economy after the United States since 2010. It has been the world's fastest-growing major economy, with consistent growth rates of around 10% over the past 30 years. The People’s Republic is also the largest exporter and second largest importer of goods in the world. This is according to Newsweek, Forbes and Wikipedia. Say what you will about that last source but it was confirmed by the first two sources.

Settle down, I’m not suggesting we turn to Communism as our form of government. What I’m suggesting is perhaps we woo American companies to invest in Arizona. Has she partnered with other states to get grow businesses here? Get Texans to raise cattle out here? Ask Michigan to build cars here? What about suggesting Florida orange growers come try their luck out here? Not likely because those states are also in an economic crunch and taking away what they’re known to produce could be disastrous. Perhaps Jan feels she’d be cannibalizing other states in the Union so she decided to go abroad to a country with enormous economic strength. I can see the logic but only to an extent. By the way I'd say this if she went to India or Brazil, the other two growing world super powers.

Did you know there’s been talk for eons about building a theme park here? Six Flags over Arizona. Building it would have created jobs and maintaining it would have created even more. Think of how big those amusement parks are! Six Flags over GA is 230 acres of rides, games, attractions and hotels. The Six Flags in both TX and CA are each nearly 250 acres! Instead nothing came to fruition in AZ. Six Flags sold the land to Warner Bros who let it languish for ten years before selling it to the state. And there it sits gathering more tumble weed.

The east valley built a top notch resort hotel and casino (Talking Stick) that’s helped them a bit and the west valley is proposing the same for their part of the valley (West Valley Resort) to coincide with the Cardinals football and Coyotes hockey fans. Only time will tell if these projects have a lasting impact on the local economy.

Today’s lie: My governor went all the way to China and all I got was the stupid tab.  

Reality Bites

I lost my job last Thursday. I’m not crying about it since I could read the writing on the wall and planned accordingly from a financial standpoint. I went home and immediately made plans. I’m feeling confident with my plans and today I even had an interview. But here’s what’s bugging me. As inconsequential as it is, I’m annoyed by the Kardashians and their ilk. Don’t get me wrong, they’re a photogenic bunch but I’m pounding the pavement for work and their whole claim to fame is a video of Kim getting pounded by a then-boyfriend who allegedly leaked the video. She parlayed that into a dazzling career and brought along the rest of the family so now there’s a huge Kardashian empire. Correct me if I’m wrong but that family has made a fortune off Kim lying on her back. They’ve got books, fragrances, clothing stores, clothing lines for Sears, shoes, accessories. Her brother, who seems to be comfortable living off his sisters collectively, is even on Dancing with the Stars this season. I don’t watch that show but it’s a show that by its very name, is meant to showcase stars. Meaning celebrities. What the Hell has Rob Kardashian ever contributed to society?

And while I’m picking apart reality show stars, why does Levy Johnson continue to show up in the news? He knocked a teenager up when he was in high school. Granted, it was the daughter of a politician running on a deeply conservative platform so that makes for awesome fodder on Jon Stewart’s show. But please, can someone enlighten me on how he’s got a book out and I haven’t?

Yes, I’ve been writing a book for the last three years. Don’t mistake this for being something that will make its way to the Library of Congress. It won’t be part of a college reading list and no one will reference it in their term papers. But it’s my thoughts, my world, dedicated on paper. It’s still a work in progress but I’m pleased with it thus far. But back to my griping.

I can’t cook well (Top Chef, Chopped), I can’t design clothes (Project Runway), I’m not confused with any professional mannequin (America’s Next Top Model) and I refuse to whore myself out to marry a wealthy man (Millionaire Matchmaker). Oh and you’ll not see me on an island plotting a coup (Survivor) or, should I ever getting married, parading my union as a Real Housewife of Some City. And do not get me started on the Jersey Shore cast.

My point is I’m working my ass off to get a job, to get noticed among a sea of other candidates in a slow economy and I get nowhere. Yet these nobodies are on magazine covers, doing book tours and on talk shows like The View. They may be punch lines for Anderson Cooper and given witty nicknames on Perez Hilton’s website but they’re known, for however briefly, in the country’s collective consciousness. Short of committing a heinous crime (Casey Anthony), I want to know what it takes to get noticed in a positive way. I’m not seeking fame and I’m sure not looking to have my little stories turned into a series for tweens (Twilight and Vampire Diaries) but is there nothing out there I can do that pays the bills until I get published? Something that allows me to retain some sort of integrity while I studiously craft my tales of murder and romance wrapped in wit?

Today’s lie: if Jackie Collins, Stephanie Meyer and any Kardashian can get published, maybe I can too.

Unemployed

Yea though I walk through the valley of unemployment I shall fear no creditors. What does that mean? It means I lost my job after six years. I’d worked for a home builder and made it through thirty-two rounds of layoffs. I was part of round thirty-three. But I was given a decent severance package and my vacation was cashed out. I’ll be fine for a few months.

This coming week I’ve got interviews scheduled and I’m using my last two weeks of insurance for dental and medical check-ups. I’m also trying to get to the bottom of what’s making me itch.

I’m looking forward to see what the future holds. My lease on my apartment is up so I won’t have a lease to break and if worse comes to worse, I will move back in with my parents. While I don’t relish that idea, its nice to know the door is open. And it’s a nice door to a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I won’t lose my car and I’ll be surrounded by people (and a cat) who love me.

Perhaps I’m not scared of this next step because I don’t have children to feed or clothe and no mortgage to stress about. I’m more concerned for the others that were also let go from my former company that day. They’re young mothers, sole breadwinners, wives to out of work husbands. I’m told the atmosphere of my former office is library quiet, some women quietly crying at their desks, scared if they are the next to be among the jobless.

This uncertainty isn’t keeping me awake at night like this incessant itching is. I’ve got great friends who were stunned with the news that I was out of work.

Though I do have a question, one that someone could answer if they were so inclined. Its not a question borne of bitterness or resentment, just one that I would like explained. Why are the lowly paid hourly employees the first to be let go when there’s a glut of middle management? Would it not be more prudent to let go of those employees making $60K+ a year instead of those making $30-40K? Who are these people middle managing? There’s not many left. In the case of my former employer, middle management wasn’t tasked with taking on the added responsibility of those let go. The tasks I used to complete were given to those hourly employees like I was. And they’ll tend to those tasks diligently, hoping the axe isn’t dropped on them. My former company is still too top heavy and I’d like to know the reasoning behind keeping the more expensive employees. Wouldn’t it help the bottom line more if those receiving larger paychecks were thinned from the herd?

Today’s lie: The economy will get better very soon.

What's Eating Me?

Right around when I turned thirty, I received a wonderful gift from myself; my nails, once thin and pathetic, started growing longer and stronger. I was pleased with this sudden change and proceeded to paint my nails lovely shades of the rainbow. However just after my last birthday three months ago, they started to become a hazard.

Back in early July I awakened in the middle of the night to find myself scratching at my legs. I assumed it was dry skin, applied lotion and went back to sleep.  The next morning I climbed into the shower and was startled by the blood and bits of skin under my nails. This continued for the rest of the month and because of the length of my nails, I was leaving claw marks down my legs; deep, bloody gouges over toned calves. This posed a problem in Las Vegas when I wore a LBD to a party. I continued applying lotion and stopped taking hot showers, so convinced was I that it was merely dry skin.

By late August my legs looked like I’d attempted to climb over barbed wire and I realized this was only happening at night. Dust mites! In my bed! I got rid of my expensive feather bed, body pillow and bought new sheets. That night I sat on my couch, pleased that I’d found the culprit. I sat on said couch scratching at my butt. Horror! I’d transferred the mites from the bed to the couch! The next day I set off two bug bombs at my house, then cleaned like a meth addict to remove any traces of the pesticide.

Still I was being awakened at night with incessant itching and it was at this point progressing father up my legs and down to my ankles. In my mind I went over all products I’d used but there was nothing new. Friends began asking about my choice of lotions, detergents, anything to help me find relief may a suddenly-developed food allergy?

I made an appointment for my general practitioner, who took blood because this is an early indicator of kidney failure. You see, I’m on blood pressure pills and this is a potential side effect. However the results showed no cause for alarm, my organs were fine. Because she didn’t think it was an allergy to my medication, she gave me a prescription for a steroid, telling me she didn’t think it would work but to try it anyway. Then she sent me on my way, asking no other questions of me or recommending I see an allergist or dermatologist, telling me it was my choice to see specialists. This is the downside of having a nurse practitioner born in the 1990s. She’s still a kid and didn’t understand my needs.

 Labor Day weekend was spent indoors scratching and looking up the names of dermatologists. The following Tuesday I had an appointment with a doctor after hearing recommendations from several coworkers.

After my exam, she concluded that because there was no rash, bug bites or anything obvious, she gave me a prescription to relieve the itching and help me sleep at night, since I was no longer able to due to the intense itching/scratching cycle I was in; she also sent me to a lab to have every liquid in my body tested. I’m still going through tests and will be for the next two days. After that I’ll have to wait another seven to ten days while everything is reviewed by the lab.

Yesterday at work the itching got worse and with only three hours of sleep I called the dermatologist again, telling her its spreading to my chest, arms, bottoms of my feet and scalp. Oh and my nose and shoulders are now covered in tiny bumps that itch and its raw to the touch, as is my chin. What a sight I was becoming! Lack of sleep and leper skin! Great! The sleeping pills I’d been prescribed are typically given to meth addicts coming down but they haven’t really helped me sleep. I was told to double my Zyrtec intake but until its been decided what’s waging a war within, I couldn’t be given anything else, including a broad-spectrum medication.

Thus far the doctor has determined its not my kidneys, liver, most likely not my thyroid, but a parasite. Odd, since I haven’t visited any third world nations or jungles. The culprit is most likely from under cooked meat products. Since my diet consists mostly of chicken, that’s what she’s leaning towards. In the meantime I’m using the Cetaphil shower gel and lotion she gave me, refraining from perfumes or anything scented, and trying my best not to scratch. The skin on my legs is starting to heal, the deep cuts dry with blood, bumpy while trying to heal itself. When I run my fingertips over them it feels like braille. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on prescriptions, doctor visits, lab work, hydrocortisone creams and Benadryl in the last two weeks.

Today’s lie: this will all be over soon.

Frenemies?

When meeting people for a meal at a restaurant, its usually the same routine: we’re seated, handed menus and the waitperson arrives to take our drink order and give the specials. We’ve all done this countless times, with little to no thought. But have you ever sat across from a friend or relative who asks with a gleam in their eye ‘what are you getting’? Sure, who hasn’t? But there are those dining companions who aren’t asking out of mere curiosity so much as using you as a gauge. If you order something fattening, they can too with no guilt. Its win-win!

I have many friends, some fat, some not. But what they all have in common is they wouldn’t dream of sabotaging my efforts to get and remain healthy.  They don’t try to tempt me into splitting an appetizer drenched in ranch dressing, goad me into ordering an entrée swimming in fat or mock me for eschewing the dessert list. In short, my friends are supportive of my food choices as I remain supportive of theirs. This is not always the case.

There are times when I’m not always around them. For example at office gatherings or celebrations of those you don’t know as well, like a friend of friend’s birthday. There’s usually at least one person at the table who will try to seduce me with fried coconut shrimp with orange marmalade dipping sauce, cheesy garlic knots with ranch (wow is that an overused item) or bacon covered tater skins with (yup) ranch. I’ve been told to ‘loosen up’ or ‘enjoy the moment’ or my personal favorite, ‘live a little’.

Actually I want to live. A long time. Hence why I try to eat something healthy before I go out or at least ask for steamed veggies in place of the fries. These people don’t know me, know what I’m up against or why I make the decisions I do when ordering. But they so badly want the bacon chicken quesadilla with queso pictured on the menu that some have actually resorted to snide remarks. I once had an acquaintance chide me for declining the tempura they offered. We were at a sushi restaurant where, I’ll grant you, its much easier for me to eat. This near stranger was incensed I didn’t want to partake of their fried bits of what have you, that they actually got up and moved because I was being (their words) a snob. Sigh.

I gave this thought on the way home from that dinner, where I’d eaten all sorts of fresh fish, seafood and vegetables. Perhaps the person was feeling poorly about their own choices and turning their frustration toward me. Or the guy was a jerk since he tried to have his $50 platter split among the rest of us.

Its important that regardless of your surroundings or dining companions, stick to your guns about your food choices. Would he have acted the same if I said I had a food allergy? Doubtful. That moment also reminded me why I chose the friends I have and I loved them all the more for allowing me to be me.

Today’s lie: People will focus more on their own food choices and stop worrying about mine.

Touchdown!

Next Sunday I will be having my parents over for football and food. It will be my mother’s birthday and what better way to celebrate than with food? However due to the lack of metabolism me and my parents are challenged with, it’s a must that the food consumed be healthy. Not just a nod to healthy with crudités and ranch dressing, actually healthy. So to plan my menu I spent Thursday night poring over Bon Appétit magazines. This yielded nothing healthy but did give me ideas for holiday meals.

I took my search to the internet where most research is now conducted by people. I sought for football food, game day treats that didn’t involve queso, fried yummies or anything with the term ‘bbq’ in it. I got nowhere fast. Then I found www.lowsodiumcooking.com. Sloppy Joes! I found a recipe with 105mg of salt. Score! Manwich has 2,400mg, the FDA recommended daily allowance. What else did I find there? Some interesting numbers:

• Most Americans not watching their sodium consume 7000-8000 mg daily
• People who avoid adding salt at the table may still consume 3000-4000 mg daily
• Many experts recommend less than 1500 mg daily for people with a history of heart trouble, high blood pressure or other risk factors for heart disease

Ponder for a moment what all those numbers mean to the average football viewer: nothing. We eat nachos, pizza, wings, burgers and many other treats, washing it all down with beer or pop and our only concern is the number on the scoreboard. I can relate! In past years I was a regular at Dos Gringos during football season, where the waitress knew to bring me an order of nachos and a pitcher of Diet Pepsi with lemon wedges. No, the Diet Pepsi didn’t balance out all the fat and salt I was eating, I just prefer the flavor over regular Pepsi. Back to my story. This was a weekly occurrence for me for the duration of the regular season and would flow into playoff; sometimes the occasional college football game too. Last year, a mere two months after beginning my eating plan, I set foot in Dos Gringos and stunned the wait staff by saying I was just there for unsweetened iced tea and to watch the game. She wasn’t too thrilled I wasn’t spending nearly as much money and I learned that people who work for tips don’t like those who essentially loiter.

After that I didn’t go back, I stayed home with a pitcher of Crystal Lite and my couch. My usual waitress wasn’t too thrilled I wasn’t spending nearly as much money and I learned that people who work for tips don’t like those who essentially loiter.

After that I didn’t go back, I stayed home (as I will this NFL season now that there is one) with a pitcher of Crystal Lite and my couch. I’d watched athletic supporters at the restaurant cramming in food like they’d just arrived from Ethiopia. I’m curious if they even enjoyed it.

 Tonight’s lie: there’s no joy in watching football if there’s no greasy food to go along with it.

Three Ring Circus

I was minding my own business on my lunch hour on Friday while out running errands. That’s when I saw hypocrisy on a bike. Some WT guy was yelling at an elderly Mexican couple, telling them they ‘better go back to Mexico’ because they are what’s bringing down America. I don’t know what prompted this statement but allow me to retort.

HEY WHITE TRASH, YOU’RE WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY. YOU’RE TOO OLD NOT TO HAVE A JOB AND TOO YOUNG TO BE RETIRED. YET I SEE YOU ON A GIRL’S SCHWINN PEDDLING DOWN THE STREET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD WITH YOUR ZZ TOP BEARD FLAPPING IN THE BREEZE, YELLING AT AN ELDERLY COUPLE CARRYING GROCERIES in the middle of the day.  WHEN THE OLD MAN YELLed FOR YOU TO COME BACK AND SAY IT TO HIS FACE, YOU CONTINUEd TO PEDAL IN THE OPPPOSITE DIRECTION WHILE SHOUTING RACIAL SLURS. REMIND ME WTH YOU’VE CONTRIBUTED THAT ALLOWS YOU TO DO THAT! Somehow I’m thinking I’m picking up the tab for you at least indirectly with government assistance. You’re welcome.

Are these the ‘American’ values that presidential hopefuls are wanting to get back to? Racial hate? Misguided bigotry (is there ever guided bigotry)? Has anyone defined what our country’s values are? Frankly I think we need to define and agree on what our values are before we can protect them. And just who gets to decide what those values are which are worth protecting? Let’s take a look at the ‘go-to’ subjects that currently campaigning politicians are using, shall we?

Family: Sure family is worth protecting. But with gay marriage becoming more of a reality one state at a time, will politicians want to protect a gay household? Sure it’s a two parent household but they’re gay, so they deserved to be marginalized because they are what bring down American values, according to neo-conservatives.

I have to argue with that. Know what brings down our country’s values? Hypocrisy. For every politician who stands before their constituents, touting the American family defined as being a husband and wife, there’s a politician with a mistress, or even better, a mister. Gays don’t erode the institution of marriage, cheating on your spouse erodes it.

Border security: Here in Arizona this is a big deal. Sadly, we have several white supremacy groups here, one of which boasts a politician as a member and the sheriff has been known to make appearances and shake hands for photo-ops with the group. Elected officials are supportive of hate groups? And voters are ok with this? I see no problem with armed guards at the border but I do have a problem with armed bar patrons, which is a new law here! Its now legal to carry firearms into bars. Because we all know how well guns and alcohol mix.

Jobs: Folks are talking about the need for jobs. I agree wholeheartedly. What I’d like to know is if these politicians (on both sides of the aisle) are campaigning, are they doing the job they’re elected to? Ponder that a moment; you have a job you want to keep so you leave it to travel around telling everyone you’re doing a great job, just not right then because you’re out telling everyone you’re doing a great job and they should allow you to continue. I can just see the look on my boss’s face if I tried that.

Unfortunately the same people who vow to ‘fight for American values’ are many of the same ones who are hurting it. I don’t believe the Democrats are getting the job done and I think the Republicans will just maintain George W’s policies. Of course I also think Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann are two of the poorest excuses for female candidates and whenever they open their mouths I fear feminism will be set back to the eighteenth century.

Today’s lie: politics will cease being a circus and instead return to the task of running the country.